Sarcastic Quotes and Sarcasm Sayings

Sarcastic Quotes: Oh did I just stab you? I am sorry I didn’t mean to (rolls eyes).

The reason why Chandler Bing (Friends), Gregory House (House MD), Jim Halpert (The Office), Charlie Harper (Two and a Half Men), and Sheldon Cooper (The Big Bang Theory) are among the most loved and eternal characters who are and will continue being legends for decades to come is- SARCASM.

The literal meanings of sarcasm may be mockery, irony, and satire, plus our most iconic comedians are actually not the funniest characters; they are the most sarcastic ones. Why? That is because the world is done with cheesy flirting and easy jokes. So sarcasm is our new funny.

Factually, baby boomers introduced sarcasm to the world and now Millenials are feeding on it. Dead inside and alive on social media, our generation is in awe of the dead and dry humour and sarcasm are fuelling and pumping life in our lame lives.

So to awake the Chanandler Bong inside you, we bring you the best collection of sarcastic quotes, read on and keep chilling:

Sarcastic Quotes

• See this hand? It’s going to descend in an arc that will, in the process, have contact with your face. Just warning you.
• If I had to pay you a dollar for every smart thing you say, I’d save a lot of money.
• I believe in annoyed at first sight.
• I’ve reached that age where my brain goes from “You probably shouldn’t say that.” To “What the hell, let’s see what happens.”
• Revenge is beneath me. Accidents, however, will happen.

• Sarcasm: The ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.
• If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, it’s because you’re both heading in the same direction.
• Well, my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
• I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.
• Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.
• I don’t believe in plastic surgery. But in your case, go ahead.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak. – Steven Wright

• Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you, they can’t laugh either.
• The whole purpose of sending a text is to get a reply within seconds or minutes, otherwise, I would have sent a letter by fucking mail.
• Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. Some girls are made of sarcasm, wind, and everything fine.
• I may look calm, but inside my mind, I’ve killed you 20 times, in 5 minutes, in 20 different ways.
• Need money for college, Need college for a job, Need a job for money. Who was the mastermind behind this system?
• My attitude in exams. They give me questions I don’t know. I give them answers they don’t know.
• I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.

• If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
• True bonding is when you and your friends are all angry about the same thing.
• You’d be in good shape, if you ran as much as your mouth.
• I’m not crazy! The voices tell me I am entirely sane.
• I don’t care what people think of me. At least mosquitoes find me attractive.

Sarcastic Quotes On Life

• My girlfriend is so good at playing hide and seek. I haven’t found her yet.
• Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.

• That is the ugliest top I’ve ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly.
• I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?
• Tell me. Is being stupid a profession or are you just gifted?
• Violence won’t solve anything. But it sure makes me feel good.
• People say that laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
• I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.
• Don’t judge a book by its cover. Don’t judge a student by his percentage.

•  If the teacher tells you to get out, it means you have won the argument.
• Thank you for leaving my side when I was alone. I realized I can do so much without you.
• You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes closed.
• Expect nothing and you’ll never be disappointed!
• If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
• I went on a diet, stopped smoking dope, cut out the drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.
• My friends are so much cooler than yours. They’re invisible.
• If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression.

• My mother didn’t raise a fool. A psychotic cold-hearted b**ch. But not a fool.
• I hope the bus you threw me under swerves to hit you on the sidewalk.
• What doesn’t kill you, disappoints me.
• An apple a day keeps anything away if you throw it hard enough.
• I take super-hot showers to practice burning in hell.
• You’re the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo.
• Remember when I asked for your opinion? Yeah me neither.
• I always say “Morning” Instead of “Good Morning” Because if it was a good morning, I would still be in bed and not talking to people.
• I don’t know where all this crap about me being a “difficult person” is coming from. I’m a constant f**cking delight.
• What’s a queen without her king? Well, historically, better.

• Abracadabra! Nope. You’re still a b**ch.
• Oh. I’m sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
• When people see you laying down with your eyes closed, they still ask “Are you sleeping?” And I’m like, “No. I’m training to die.”
• Come here you big, beautiful cup of coffee and lie to me about how much we’re going to get done today.
• My alone time is sometimes for your safety.
• Sometimes I wish I could get a refund on the time I have invested on people that weren’t worth it.

• I wish more people were fluent in silence.
• Deja Poo. The feeling that you’ve heard this crap before.
• Behind every successful person, there’s a lot of unsuccessful years.
• I’m sorry. What language are you speaking? It sounds like bullshit.
• If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
• There’s no need to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.

• My level of sarcasm has gotten to the point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
• There’s someone for everyone. And the person for you is a physiatrist.
• Dear Life. Could you at least start using lubricant?
• I’m not insulting you. I’m describing you.
• Don’t worry about hurting my feelings, because I guarantee you not one bit of my self-esteem is tied up in your acceptance.
• They say women speak 20,000 words a day. I have a daughter who gets that done by breakfast.
• Excuse me, which level of hell is this?
• When I’m feeling down and someone says “suck it up”, I get the urge to break their legs and say, “walk it off”.
• Sweetie, leave the sarcasm and insults to the pros. You’re going to hurt yourself. Go play in traffic.

• I’m a lady, but when I’m mad, I am an evil sadistic demon spawned b..ch from hell that will make you regret the day you were born.  And when I’m happy, I like to bake cookies and shit.
• I’m an odd combination of “really sweet” and “don’t mess with me.”
• I am in one of those moods where I just want to throw a book at someone’s face and be like: I Facebooked you.
• Controlling my tongue is no problem. It’s my face that needs deliverance.
• Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.
• Hmmm, I’m going to file your opinions right here between “f**ck this” and “f**ck that”.
•  I’m not petty, I’m dead ass disrespectful and I will straight up disrespect you if you want to play that petty game. Your feelings will be hurt.
• Everything I like is either expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back

It is said that sarcastic people are smarter as both generating and understanding sarcasm requires quick wit. So be smarter and be sarcastic. Hola.

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